Category: Humor

Due to an abundance of social events this year, such as the recent graduations and weddings, I have to share this important informational bulletin regarding visitations. Of course, as always, our friends and family are more than welcome to stay with us at the Chateau Anderson when you travel from out of town for these events, (In fact some of you have your rooms “booked” already, and let me assure you that we look forward to it!) however I do feel that it is in everyones best interest to shed some light on the very serious topic of TOWELS.

Before I go into further detail, I must disclose that I am NOT the towel expert in our household – that honour goes to the current presiding Towel Superintendent. (I’m pretty sure I do not need to explain who this is, suffice it to say that there was absolutely no democracy involved in the creation and appointment of this position, but I digress) I am only putting this information together from what I have gleaned with my amazing powers of observation.  That combined with having been told this information approximately 750,000 times by the Towel Superintendent.  Either way, the knowledge has stuck in my cortex, at least temporarily, somehow.

For your upcoming visit you need to be aware that there are many, many towels of assorted styles and colours located in various locations throughout our house, so please feel free to print this off and keep in your suitcase for reference purposes. I may release a simplified chart version that you could keep in your wallet once you have familiarized yourself with this information.

In your bedroom you will find some WHITE towels (hereafter called the “Guest Towels”). That is, of course, unless they are not white – in which case they probably match the colour of your curtains.  Or they may match your bedding.  Or they may match the wall.  The important part to remember here is that the Guest Towels are aesthetically matched to THAT particular room and you ARE allowed to use these towels freely.  This is, in fact, the preferred towel set for you to use.

In the bathroom itself you will find some more towels (hereafter called the “Nice Towels”). These towels will of course match the bathroom wall colour perfectly.  The Nice Towels are also available for you, as our guest, to use as you wish.  The Towel Superintendent would be honoured to have you use these towels.  Important to note: Anyone who is NOT a guest in the house is NOT allowed to use these for any purpose and any unauthorized Nice Towel usage must be reported immediately! If you witness a full time resident (otherwise known as Scoundrel or Rapscallion) with a Nice Towel please report the transgression to the Towel Superintendent (TS) who will then dish out the appropriate punishment (a little too happily and enthusiastically, I might add).

If you should happen to find some green bath towels hanging in the bathroom (hereafter called the “Green Towels”) please note that these belong to the kids.  Said kids should not leave Green Towels out in public areas so if you do see a rogue Green Towel out in view, please again report to the TS immediately.  We do not recommend handling a Green Towel without necessary safety equipment and we cannot be held liable for any injury or sickness incurred by said towels.  If a Green Towel is seen moving on its own or trying to escape please skip the Towel Superintendent and immediately dial 911.

Depending on your length of stay (and the status of our laundry day) you may also have an emergency situation and where someone will direct you to the hall closet where you will find a colourful stack we like to call the “Spare Towels”. These towels are perfectly acceptable (in fact magnificent) if the only parameter for a towels worthiness was something crazy like, you know, actually drying stuff off.  However these towels have been cursed with colours and patterns that do NOT match any of our home décor and have therefore been banished to the closet where they are only brought into use should the Daily Living Towel System malfunction and the Towel Emergency Plan Level One be enacted.  If this situation occurs please use the towels as normal but refrain from commenting on their colour or style.  The Towel Superintendent is very aware of the situation should these fine towels come into need and making note of these towels will not improve the matter.

As a last point, there are some faded, ragged old blue towels located on the premises. (Hereafter called the “Old Towels”).  These towels are the only ones that I personally am actually allowed to use.  As a guest in our house there should never, ever, EVER be a reason for you to even see the Old Towels.  If you do happen upon an Old Towel then we will know that the Towel System has fully broken down into complete towel anarchy.  The Towel Superintendent will be forced to implement the full Towel Emergency Protocol.  I honestly do not know what that means but I suspect it will be akin to the audio file from the Hindenburg disaster.  Oh the humanity!  If it reaches this point it will be every man/woman for themselves, do not stop to save pets or help others – it’s not worth it and there simply is no time.  There will be no debrief or further follow up needed should we reach this point.  I can only bid you farewell and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.  The rest will come out at the trial.

We look forward to having you visit, please enjoy your stay and remember to Towel responsibly.

There’s an old saying that goes “if you’re not part of the solution, you are part of the problem”. With that in mind I have decided that it is time for me to stand up, put my money where my mouth is and bravely become a part of the problem – I mean solution. Whatever. The point is, I am going to run for office. I haven’t decided which office yet, I suspect my platform will guide that direction, but when the people see what I have to offer I assume that they may push for Canada to return to a Monarchy and make me their King. We shall see.

My platform is very simple. As proven by many of our previous election results, voters don’t seem to care about the big issues anyway, so why bother? I will leave those items to the regular monkeys and I will focus my time on issues where I can really make a difference. Important issues that may not make the daily news but will help make life easier for the average individual. Here are some of the key points I will have on my agenda:

Gas stations will have a separate lineup for cigarettes and lottery tickets – That’s right, if you want to buy these items at a gas station that’s fine, but you are a second tier customer to someone who is using a gas station to, oh you know, ACTUALLY BUY GAS. If you are holding up a line while you try to decide between a Bingo scratch or a Crossword scratch the gas station employee will be required, by law, to pull a lever and open a trap door which will drop you into a pit of serpents. Don’t worry, your fall will be softened by the piles of non-winning scratch tickets that will all be stored down there. The snakes? All I can say is “Good luck.”

While we are on Gas station rules, pay at the pump will also be required to just give you fuel. Swipe your card and fill your car. Easy.  No more “Please enter amount, select account, what’s your code, would you like a carwash? Reward points? How about a receipt? Care to see a weather update? Want to buy some potato chips?” – No, none of the nonsense, you get regular fuel and you leave.
Note – if you are in some kind of crazy tax bracket where you can afford premium fuel then you will have your own lineup, you probably don’t want to associate with the rest of us common folk anyway.

One last small gas station point – if the receipt printer is broken the pump will no longer say “please see inside for receipt”. Nope, if they can’t keep their equipment working then your fuel is free. The display will say “sorry we cannot keep a basic thermal printer operating for more than 12 minutes, your money has been refunded into your account, enjoy your free gas”.

With some of the small teaser promises out of the way, it’s time to unveil what is possibly my largest campaign platform: Once elected, I will immediately implement a four day work week. That’s right, EVERY weekend will be a “long weekend”. The best part is, it will be a floating long weekend so you decide if you want to take the Friday off or the Monday. I see merit in each so the choice will be a personal one – let it not be said that I don’t follow my constituents wishes. Of course this free time will allow for more recreation, so if you don’t have a hobby you may want to find one quickly for my next campaign promise: Any purchase that is a part of your recreation shall be considered a positive for mental health and will be a 100% tax write-off. Skiing, Snowmobiling, Camping gear, Motorcycles, fuel to get… well, fuel to get really anywhere that isn’t work. You get the idea. If it’s a way to relax that isn’t a chore then it’s covered. Yes, even that big screen TV if that’s your pastime. Heck, let’s throw in your Netflix subscription.

Social Media will also see some changes under my watch. We’ve all received those irritating chain messages that show up to your inbox and say “let’s keep this going!” – usually around the holidays. These pesky messages are annoying at best and, at worst, can carry viruses or malware. Under my regime, the forwarding of these messages will automatically generate an email money transfer of $25.00 from your bank account to every person that you sent it to. Your social media account will then be deactivated until you can show some semblance of self-control. Honestly, we can have a Merry Christmas without a flashing Christmas tree GIF arriving from someone we speak to once every four years.

Changes will also be made in how we see political social media posts. And by that I mean, we won’t see them.  All political posts on social media will be covered or blurred (similar to the current graphic images warnings) and you will have decide if you actually want to view it. Simply scrolling will no longer subject you to the President of Russia’s head photo-shopped onto a moose or any other unsolicited quotes or opinions. Let’s be honest, never, ever, in the history of ever-ness has someone switched party allegiance because Dave from New Brunswick shared his hilarious Prime Minister meme. NEVER.

This is just a start to my election promises, but of course I will be open to more suggestions. As stated previously, listening to my constituents will be at the very foundation of my leadership role. (Except for the weird people). In the meantime, I value your input on such items as a title for myself; does “Supreme Leader” seem too magniloquent? I suppose it will depend on whether or not “King” is available. Whatever the title is, I promise to work hard for the little people. I won’t promise to ignore budgets, economies or unemployment numbers as we already have enough people in power that ignore these. Instead, whenever these issues are raised, I will proceed to stare blankly at a wall. That should be as effective as or better than most leadership strategies.

Oh, I almost forgot, puppies will be free and there will be dog parks on every corner – And we will make the Cat people pay for it.

Thank you for your support.

Coffee fund

CA$5.00

Happy Thanksgiving.  It’s that tiny window in our year, wedged between summer frolic and Halloween.  I say wedged because Halloween is a full two month ordeal around our house, with decorating, planning meals for a Halloween party, designing costumes – there’s very little time for this turkey nonsense to be honest.  However it still is a time of family and friends so we find a day to squeeze it in between zombies and snowmobile polishing.  If thanksgiving has snuck up on you and you haven’t done it the honour of two weeks of planning, here’s a little piece of information to keep handy:  the grocery stores are an absolute zoo. If you have social tendencies and like to visit with people you hardly know, then this is a great time for you to shop.  What better way to spend an entire afternoon than standing in a lineup with a bag of the wrong kind of buns, (because your favourites were sold out), talking to the brother of a lady who knew your grade 12 history teacher’s wife?  This scintillating conversation really plays on the heartstrings of the social butterfly but most normal people recognize it for what it is: a complete nightmare.  At this point you may consider dropping the buns on the spot and screaming “I NEVER LIKED CARBS ANYWAY!!” and then climbing into your car and driving.  A long ways.  If you need to say “Dónde está la gasolinera más cercana” then you may be far enough, but barely.  Of course we don’t do this (usually) – instead we smile, talk about the weather and silently count the items the lady has in line ahead if you.  (Thanksgiving or not, you put down 17 items at the 15-or-less express till and you will get “THE LOOK” from me.  Fair warning).
Upon returning home I find that the real chaos is happening.  At least it appears chaotic to me.  It is, in fact, the complete opposite of chaos.   I must point out that most of the time the day to day cooking of meals in our house is done by yours truly.   These large multi-serving extravaganzas though?  Thats my wife’s department – and she is good at it.  So what looks like complete food havoc to me is actually being run with military precision.  I take notes and keep track as best I can but I really can’t keep up.  POTATOES ON AT 1:45!  STUFFING OUT AT 2:10!  The notes are detailed and exact – and leave just enough room for assumption to make sure I can screw it up.  “Well of COURSE the salad should be tossed now, in 7 minutes and 18 seconds you’ll be mashing potatoes and then the turkey will be out 36 seconds after that.  When did you THINK it would get done?”
Whew – when she’s right shes right. Really dodged a bullet there.
Like a master conductor in front of an orchestra, my wife stirs, covers, mixes and roasts a vast array of vegetables, meats, salads and desserts – all timed out to the second.  It’s actually impressive to watch, except I dont have time to enjoy the moment – I’m too busy trying to keep up with the tasks that I’ve been given.  That’s the difference with the orchestra analogy – a maestro usually has musicians that at least know how to play.  By this point I have realized that the tasks I’ve been given are ridiculously easy – she has obviously figured out my competency level, and it’s not flattering.  I’m the cowbell guy in this band.  She masterfully adds dozens of  spices and seasonings in an exact recipe of perfection while I ask questions like “how big a chunks do you want this potato cut into?” CLANG CLANG CLANG
After a couple of mistakes and near misses, my nerves are frazzled and I start to think perhaps the idea I originally had was better; I’m actually still not convinced that individual packaged TV dinners for everyone is that bad of a thought.  But just as it looks – to me at least – like all hope may be lost, my amazing wife calls everyone to the table and starts setting out this incredible meal. Turkey, stuffing, cranberries, potatoes, gravy, brusselsprouts, ceaser salad, carrots, and of course, the buns – wow!  I’m not sure how this all came together. Now if only she would let me put out the Pez dispensers that I had picked out for dessert it would be a perfect meal. I guess Chewbacca and Darth Vader will have to wait for Christmas.

I freakin love hamburgers. There, I said it.  Judging by the number of hamburgers that are consumed worldwide I can also only surmise that I am not alone.  I’m pretty sure McDonalds didn’t change the “billions served” sign solely because of me, although in my burger hayday I certainly did my part to help.  I am telling you about my burger infatuation because it provides you with some integral background information for my little story.  You see due to some health questions recently within the family we started investigating a few various issues with food intolerances.  After some testing and a Doctors consultation it was revealed that a couple of members of our family do not get along with wheat, or more specifically Gluten, in our digestive tract.   No problem, if something doesn’t agree with you then don’t eat it, right? Just like that we were on our way to a GF (gluten free) lifestyle.

For those of you that do not know, gluten is nothing more than an enzyme that is found in wheat. At least according to chemistry it is.  According to my stomach it is a tiny ball of demon spit encased in razor blades.  So I only have to avoid eating wheat, and life is good!  As it turns out, this was not such an easy a plan.  Apparently food manufacturers have some time ago figured out that wheat is a very cheap filler and that it should be added to EVERYTHING.  I started off thinking that all I had to avoid was bread which, in itself, was a cause of mild panic.  Sandwiches, buns, toast and yes, HAMBURGERS were all literally off the table.  Ok, I can do this – I am strong, I shall overcome… wait, WHAT?!?  I also cannot have any normal baking such as cinnamon buns, donuts, muffins, cookies, cakes or pastries?  Relax, just breathe, no problem, I am still strong enough… I think.  Oh I have to remove pizza too as well as any breaded deep fried goodness such as fish and chips or prawns or wontons.  Ok, this isn’t fun anymore.  We are now starting to severely impact my diet along with my will to live.   Much like a boxing match with no referee, (or a 1970s TV record album) the hits keep coming; Cereals, salad dressings and puddings were added to the list along with most any kind of processed meats:  sausages, hot dogs, pepperoni, deli meat, etc.  Instead of simply avoiding one item that I couldnt eat, I quickly found myself searching for things that I could eat.  Or perhaps just stop eating and die – that was beginning to look like a viable option.

One of the first things I noticed about trying to avoid gluten is that there are a lot of people doing the same thing right now. There are actually people who are eating gluten free with no real medical reason to but hey, life is about choices and if they feel better not eating gluten then more power to them. It has become the equivalent of platform shoes or pet rocks – it seems like the cool thing to do at the time but history is going to look back and laugh.  This is helpful for those that actually require a GF diet in that it has opened the door to more choices as manufacturers and marketing teams scramble to cash in on the latest fad.  (Funny how money will drive new products when actual health reasons won’t, but that’s a topic for another day).  Unfortunately however it also means that most other people do not recognize a valid gluten intolerance and instead lump you into a group of annoying trend followers, the likes of which cannot order a coffee without sounding obnoxious.  Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip anyone?  You can almost hear the servers’ eyes roll inside their head when they are asked about GF options. The restaurants also like to ask you if it’s an allergy or a preference, and this is done so that they know how much they should care.  On a scale from one to ten, saying “allergy” gets you a care level of 0.5 and “preference” gets you a care level of negative twelve.  The respect that we glutenites garner is truly awesome.

Thanks in no small part to the gluten fad there has become a ton of GF options available at grocery stores now too. There are a couple of small yet notable problems with the many products that have hit the market to feed the GF craze.  The first is, for some reason when they take gluten (or wheat) out of a product they have to replace that void with approximately seven hundred chemicals, all with names that would make Mary Poppins think “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” was an abbreviation.  I took a bit of chemistry in school and I have a limited understanding of how things mix together but for the life of me I cannot understand how taking one item out of a formula can lead to the introduction of such a long list of other chemicals to replace it.  To put it bluntly, the running joke we have is that the words “gluten free” on a product simply means “chemical crapstorm”.  Now one would think that if you have the ability to mix chemicals and make food without worrying about how long the ingredient list is then it would at least be delicious, but you would be wrong.  This leads us to the second problem with many GF food products:   THEY USUALLY TASTE LIKE CRAP.   Unless of course you enjoy eating drywall putty or play-doh, you will most likely find that GF offerings can be a “little off” when it comes to taste and texture.  And by a little off I mean awful. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that there are a few products out there that do manage to pull off their charade and actually do taste very good, but it takes some hunting to find them.  You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince or something like that.

I have learned a lot about food in general during this new venture of ours. I have also found ingredient lists that have absolutely shocked me with what they contain.  On a serious note I urge everyone to read the labels on the food they eat.  I don’t mean skim it and pick out a couple of things you recognize, I mean read it to understand it.  Look up those words that you don’t know.  Find out what you are putting in your body.  Remember that a long word doesn’t necessarily mean a bad thing but you should at least know what it is, shouldn’t you?  I am actually thankful of the lessons that this has taught me about the ingredients in our food…if only someone would combine those ingredients to make me a cinnamon sticky-bun flavoured carrot stick my life would be complete.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go feed my pet rock.

I rarely get involved in politics on the internet.  And by rarely I kind of mean never.  Honestly I would rather stick needles in my eyes than get involved in a political argument online.  This does not mean I do not have my own thoughts and beliefs, I just know that the chance of winning a political argument online is about the same as the chance of me winning an argument with one of my daughters; At best I will walk away with a tiny shred of dignity and an appreciation for why some animals abandon thier young.
I do however keep a very open mind and I like to think that I can look at both sides of a position and take away some knowledge from almost any view that may help with a future political decision.  The key word here is “almost”.
Due to the ridiculous amount of political postings, rantings and musings of late it has become impossible to read them all, so I have devised a simple way to quickly weed out the postings in which you will find zero worthwhile content.  You know the ones, they are always full of misinformation, half truths or often outright lies, and even if there was potentially a worthwhile point to be made it is so shrouded in the authors obvious bias and disdain that the message is lost in a sea of negativity that is just not worth trying to navigate.  This brings us to my easy to use system.  This system of vetting possible informative posts is based on avoiding some “buzzwords” that are simple to spot.  If you find more than one of these buzzwords it’s time to scroll on – Life is too short.
The easiest way to lose my interest in a good debate is to start using silly name hacks.  These are things like “Trudope” for our prime minister, “Chrispy Clark” for the Premier of BC and any of the thousands of plays on the name “Trump”.   It doesnt matter on which side of the political fence I am sitting, as soon as you modify a person or politicians name I instantly know the level of intelligence I am dealing with. Insulting someone by rhyming or twisting thier name kind of ended in grade 5.  This includes calling a Conservative a “Harperite” and calling any Liberal a “Lieberal”.  How amazingly witty *insert eyeroll here*
The next word that is sure to lose my attention is “Sheeple”.  Beyond the basic annoyance of this word, to simply write off an opposing opinion as only following the masses is quite frankly an insult to free thinking people everywhere and lends zero credibility to their point.  I do think for myself thank you, and if that leads me to an opinion that coincides with the rest of the “sheep” then perhaps it is not me who is lost.  “Lemming” is another variant of this and should get the same treatment.
Very closely related to these terms is the ever popular demand to “do your own research”.  This is often lumped in with “I’ve done mine”.   The arrogance of this is, of course, mind-numbing.   Basically what they are saying is that they read some stuff online and it’s the absolute truth and what you believe is false so you need to take the time and learn… BUT they can’t be bothered to show you where their research lies.  That’s ok, believe me when I say that I can’t be bothered either, especially if your sole argument is to tell me that I just haven’t tried hard enough.
The next couple of ways to lose my interest in a post are a little less political and more into the conspiracy theory realm, although the two are very closely related and one usually leads to the other.  The first one is the use of the term “Big Pharma”.  For some reason people have developed this amazing ability to blame every problem in thier lives on “Big Pharma”; from housing prices to a dead battery in their car, some people are convinced that every aspect of thier life is manipulated by drug company CEOs and profits.  If your argument or point involves calling out “Big Pharma” please substitute the word “Sasquatch” instead – it will be more interesting and it will give you the small possibility that I may keep paying attention.  At least hearing how a Sasquatch has affected your life would be entertaining.
Continuing with the conspiracy side of political rantings, anything that has its origins with the root word “zion” is an instant way to get me to keep scrolling.   The most popular of these are “Zionist Plot” and “Zionist Shill”.  The subwords are almost enough to make the list on their own in fact.  As soon as you read “plot” you know you are on your way to a full blown, tin foil hat conspiracy theory and “shill” is just a cop-out for when someone cannot articulate any kind of argument on their own merits.  Losing an argument?  Just call the other person a “paid shill” which means that they are secretly working for “the other side” and therefore must not be believed.  Once someone has nothing left to say and cannot support thier point of view with facts then this is their easy backstop.  When you hear this term you know that the other person has zero credibility and offers nothing worthy of paying further attention to.  It’s time to move on.  

    Feel free to expand and update this list to fit your own preferences.  Some other danger phrases you may wish to watch out for would be: any “Matrix” references, all suggestions of a “New World Order” and silly blended words such as “Feminazi”.  It is very rare for any useful, interesting or meaningful points to be found when these terms are floating around.  Does ignoring posts with these words make a person uneducated?  Not at all.   It just helps to distinguish logic and reason from the rhetoric and noise.  Once you pay attention to when and where these terms pop up you will quickly see that reputable, rational and logical sources simply don’t use them at all.  Your sanity will thank you.

I am hoping that by now you have started to trust me and understand just how much I can help to make your life easier.  With that in mind, I am here to save the day yet again.  By this point in the year you should have milked all of the love and admiration you can out of the perfect Christmas gift you picked for your spouse and are ready to restart the cycle of respect with the next big gift giving event – Valentines day!
One of the natural abilities that I’ve been blessed with is a very high functioning sense of romance, just ask my wife.  I have been told many, many times “Oh aren’t you romantic!”  Usually when they say this they are so amazed that they actually roll their eyes in their heads.  My wife is in complete awe of how lucky she has gotten by finding such romance.  Since Valentine’s day is all about love I figured that I would spread some of my talent and help out those of you who may not have such a  deep understanding of romance.
The first lesson is to ignore everything that you have ever seen in a commercial.   True romance is much more than a box of fattening candy or a wilting flower that represents the death that will soon be your relationship.   Heck no!  You must find something that will be around for awhile to remind her of you either physically or in memory.  It also must be red.  Red is the colour of love and if your gift is red it is halfway to being a perfect valentine’s present already.  I know some people are lucky enough to have red themes or accents in their kitchen and these guys have it really easy; there is no end to the red appliances you can buy!  One look at that new red blender or toaster and she will fall in love all over again – I promise!
If you don’t have the option of red appliances in the kitchen you may have to try a little harder to get the same success.  One sweet and personal idea is to buy her a gym membership online and then simply put red paper in your printer and print it out.  Keeping the red theme alive and showing how much you want her to live a long, healthy life by losing a few of those extra pounds – now that’s a win-win!
If you still have your heart set on chocolates because, let’s face it, the media has forced us to believe that ladies love chocolate, here is another little trick for you:  go ahead and buy chocolates but make sure that they are individually wrapped in red foil.  Now unwrap all of the chocolates, being careful to save the foil wrapping; then either give the chocolates to some kids or eat them yourself, however you would like to dispose of them is fine.  Next, chop up some vegetables (I like carrots or broccoli) and wrap them carefully using the red foil and put them back in the box – voila!  You have the stereotypical romantic look with the added love and care of again helping your partner lead a healthy life.  Put the wrapped veggies with the gym membership and you have a one-two punch that will probably get you out of buying her any more presents this year!
If money is tight and you can’t afford a new vacuum cleaner or a divorce then as a last resort you can leave a long lasting impression by making your own valentine’s day cards or notes and leaving them hidden throughout the house – finding a love note would be the highlight of anyone’s day!  All you need is some construction paper (red of course) and a permanent marker.  Don’t use a pencil as it can be erased, showing insecurity and a lack of commitment.  Only a black permanent marker can properly represent the indelible mark she has left on your heart.  Simply cut out some red hearts, write a brief note expressing your feelings and she will never forget this Valentine’s day.  Remember to be creative and personal so she knows you are not just spouting some tired old Hallmark cliches.  Some ideas you can use are:
“Even if time hasn’t been good to your body, I still like it”
“I love that there’s so much of you to love”
“I love you almost as much as I love my car”
“You weren’t my first choice but I’m so happy we are together”
“I love you so much that I’m ok with your cooking”

    Remember also to be honest, she will appreciate it, and if your note includes some constructive criticism on cooking or housecleaning she will know that you really care about making your house a better home.  Now get out there and knock her socks off!
Happy Valentine’s day!

New years eve has come and gone and if you’re like most people then you made some crazy resolutions promising that this would be your year to get back the body you had in highschool even though this is likely impossible.  These resolutions undoubtedly seemed attainable with the excitement of a countdown shrouded in an alcohol induced fog brought on by enough rum to fill a pirate ship.  The first day of your diet probably still looked promising as your queezy stomach was not accepting food anyway, so reality hadn’t fully set in.  However much like Charlie Sheens career, all good things must end and here you are trying frantically to hold on to the dream of a slimmer, fitter, you.
Worry no more – I have your solution.  I am making available this all natural product that is guaranteed to help you with your goal, providing you follow the directions.  It is a simple yet effective tool; some people even say it has magical powers.   This product is 100% natural, sourced straight from a little known place called “the outdoors”, with absolutely no additives or extra chemicals:  Introducing the amazing Stick-Plus!
The way the Stick works is simple.  With your non refundable cash order I will ship you a custom shaped Stick-Plus that is carefully matched to your body type and age.  Trust me, there is a lot of thought, effort and maybe even something close to science put into this selection and though it may look like a random stick, I assure you it is much more.  I can include some impressive looking elemental charts and formulas I found on the internet if you are still not convinced.  It’s that natural!  Along with your Stick-Plus you will receive a printout from Google with a list of local gyms for your area.  Simply call one of these gyms and talk to a representative that will set you up with a work out schedule and nutrition plan.  Congratulations, you are halfway to your goal!  The rest is easy.  To ensure you follow your trainers plan and schedule you must always keep your Stick-Plus nearby.  Let’s say you find yourself in bed and just don’t feel like going to the gym in the morning;  simply grab Stick-Plus from your bedside table and whack yourself in the head with it until you get up.  For extra motivation you can turn this whacking duty over to your spouse or partner – trust me, they will love to help you and become a part of achieving your dreams!
The Stick-Plus has several other tricks to help you attain your goal.  Should you find yourself at a table with a piece of cake or bowl of ice cream in front of you, you can easily take your Stick-Plus and sweep the offending food onto the floor – you will no longer feel the food craving as you gingerly dance around the broken glass to sweep up your mess.  This can also be good extra exercise so it’s a win-win!
At meal times you can again employ your family members help and support by giving them the Stick-Plus and they will happily rap you across the knuckles with it should you reach for an extra helping of potatoes or perhaps a cookie.  This partnership will help build a stronger relationship as you work towards a stronger you – talk about a versatile tool!
As a final deterrent (should you need something more powerful) there is one last upgrade available for the Stick-Plus.  Simply take it to the neighborhood dog park and use the stick to pick up any “presents” that have been left behind by man’s best friend.  Once your Stick-Plus has been used in this manner it is ready to return to the dinner table.  It does not matter how many times you wash it, after this natural treatment it will help you with appetite suppression, I promise.  Again, you can get your friend or family to help by having them touch your Stick-Plus to ONE piece of food at the table, but not tell you which piece.  I guarantee you will cut down on your eating, if not quit completely!
It is that easy!  Call now as supplies may be limited and I suspect I will have trouble keeping up with all of the fools – errr… clients.  I also occasionally have trouble retrieving a Stick-Plus from my dog so shipping times may vary.  It’s so natural that even the animals love it!  Remember your order will come with the amazing Stick-Plus and your local gym phone numbers ONLY:  prices of gym membership, nutritionist, work out clothes, healthy foods and/or divorce proceedings are NOT included.  Order today and begin your journey to a new you!
*please note: I have three dogs myself so for an additional fee I can pre-treat the tip of your Stick-Plus with the all natural appetite suppressant prior to shipping!

I used to be normal.  I used to think Christmas was easy.  I would simply plan out what to buy for my wife and the rest of the season just  somehow magically fell into place.   Having this single purchase as my only chore meant that I could leave shopping as late as the 24th if I chose.  Only putting up with one store and one item, how bad could it be?  If I was really on my game I might find myself finished as early as the 22nd some years.  Christmas was a piece of cake, both literally and figuratively.  Of course this made Christmas morning even more fun as I would be as surprised as the kids were when they opened their presents; I either forgot what they were getting or often never knew in the first place.
That completely changed one day and I became the involved husband.  I was now a part of it all: planning the gifts, purchasing the gifts, the dinners, the family visiting schedule, all of it.  Keep in mind I said “a part of it all”;  I am in no way claiming complete responsibility.  In fact if it was left solely up to me I’m pretty sure Christmas wouldn’t happen at all.  My wife is amazing at making this stuff come together and remains the general contractor on the entire season – I’m just a subcontractor with limited responsibilities, working within the specifications I’ve been given.
I have given you this little bit of background into my Christmas involvement so that you may have some understanding of what I now go through with the wonderful chore of Christmas shopping.  It’s simply a small disclaimer so that the seasoned professional shoppers do not laugh too heartily at my shopping proficiency, or lack of it.   Some of you real professionals are so organized that you start early, avoiding the crowds and rush that invariably occurs.  I have some family that starts so early in January that they have their shopping done before I have given up on my new years resolutions.  I am not that organized or committed unfortunately.
In the past with only the one gift to buy I would research it, plan it, phone around or look online; I would do everything I could to know exactly what I was getting, where and for how much before I even headed to a store.  This was a good system.  It worked and served me well for many years.  Now however I have this new type of shopping added to my ever expanding skill set:  browsing.   This style of shopping is best described as complete and utter lunacy.  There is no other effective way to portray it, though “mass hysteria” may be kind of close as well.
I am going to blame most of the shopping problems on stress related to the season.  Let’s be blunt, it can be a very stressful time of year and I’d like to give my fellow humans the benefit of an excuse; It helps me with my own sanity as I do not believe the world will be able to continue on if shoppers are an accurate representation of the level of intelligence we, as a race, are surviving with.  One look in the parking lot at how people park when the lines are covered in snow is all of the evidence I shall present on that case.  It is hard to fathom that the same race that put a man on the moon cannot manage to do better than this.
By this time you should have a good picture of how I found myself in a mall packed with people; these same people who can’t park and, like myself, do not know what they are there to buy.  I liken this to an ant hill, everyone is scurrying and running but there is no rhyme or reason to it all, some are carrying things, some are not.  No one really knows what’s going on but everyone is certainly busy – and sometimes they even climb over top of one another. Perhaps it’s Christmas everyday in the life of an ant.
“Browsing” has a second inherent problem for me and that is it takes away my human ability to do basic math.  In the normal world if I were to have a budget of $100 and need five items I instantly know that I have to average $20 per gift.  That is math.  It’s what it does.  Now when I start “browse shopping”  this incredible ability to quickly divide and keep running totals is somehow lost.  Completely.  Using the above budget example (which worked perfectly in my old system I might add) it goes like this:  I have $100 to buy five gifts… but I find six items that I “must have” so I add an extra item to each person to keep it fair.  Then I add an extra small treat to each because I’m caught up in the holiday spirit.  This leads me to remember someone who I forgot to buy for, and that gift is a “tad” more expensive so now I have to pick up “something small” to top up the other gifts… confused yet?  Obviously I was because I left the mall with 127 gifts for a total somewhere near the retail price of the space shuttle.  To say I blew the budget is an insult to the word ‘understatement’; I wasn’t even in the same galaxy as the planet my budget resided on.  On the bright side I believe the Bank of Canada will be reviewing the prime lending rate based on stronger than projected retail activity this quarter.  You’re welcome. Now if you will excuse me I have three truckloads of gifts to get under the tree and I’m not very good at wrapping.  I’m actually worse at wrapping than I am at sticking to a budget if that gives you any idea.  Much like my kindergarten days I get high praise for effort though, so even if the other kids projects look better than mine I will still get a gold star.   I’ll just pretend not to notice the look of sympathy I get when I proudly hold up my shoddily wrapped bundles.  It’s what’s inside that counts anyway, right?