If you are like me, you hate digging under the seats of your vehicle to clean out the black hole that seems to exist there. Worry no more, I have developed a great new system for checking for lost gloves, empty coffee cups or a rogue French-fry lost in the dark abyss beneath your heated faux leather command center. My system is quite amazing in its simplicity and its ease of use ensures that anyone can do it. Simply head out on the highway and get yourself up to an acceptable speed, usually as fast as the law will allow. Many times this velocity is actually a number well above the posted maximum legal limit, but the whole outlaw discussion is for another time so let’s stick to “normal” highway speed.
Now comes the tricky part. What you need to do is find a moose. Not just any old lazy moose either. This system does not work if Mr. Moose is standing in the ditch contemplating the many wrong decisions he has made in his life while chewing on a willow. No, you need the Usain Bolt of the moose world. He needs to come out of the ditch like the starting pistol was actually a 30:06 and the starter just flashed his hunting license. The moose needs to not look and not think, just RUN. If the timing is right, this mad sprint for a gold medal in the Moolympics will be on a perfect course to intercept your path at precisely the middle of your grill.
Now that you have successfully set up two intercepting vectors between you (sipping your double-double while Neil Diamond assures you the good times never seemed so good) and a rampaging Bullwinkle (who has decided that the willows on the other side of the highway are the equivalent of Moosy heroin) it is time to put the last touches on my plan. You see, at this point the only way to avoid this collision is for YOU to act. If you have chosen your moose correctly he will not waver from his bull-headed charge (I will allow you to groan at that one) so you need to stop. Fast.
As you instinctively try to avoid death by pushing the brake pedal through the floorboard it is a good time to find a name for your new friend, the moose. (Note – if you are not instinctively trying to avoid dying then you may need a life coach and possibly a hobby). Naming your Moose will be easy as the name ideas will come to your mind very quickly – and most of them will be four letter derivatives. Don’t just trust how they sound in your head either, scream some of these names out at the top of your lungs to test if they fit the moose’s personality. I suspect that they will, at least mine did – especially the one that referenced his mother and ended in “ucker”. Yeah that suits him well.
That’s all there really is to this new cleaning system. You can now reach down and pick up every item that was under your seat as it has slid forward for easy access. Depending on whether you have kids or not, this cleanup may or may not require gloves or a hazmat suit – thankfully my children have grown so I mostly had gloves, tools, a dog toy and a couple of M & M’s. Not bad. Of course some negative Nellies will say “But isn’t it easier to just clean under your seat?” to which I say nay-nay. Life is too short to do things the hard way – my system requires very little effort. The adrenaline rush is an incredibly cool side effect too; the Moosinator will clean your car and give you all the excitement of a failed parachute. I may even approach the X-Games to see if they are interested in this as an extreme sport.
Fair warning, there is a slight downside to this fabulous plan: As clean as the floor under the seats of your vehicle may become, this system does take its toll on your underwear. I won’t go into too much graphic detail but suffice it say that your underwear may become decidedly not clean. Luckily for me my wife does most of the laundry though so it’s not a problem; I’ll just hide them at the bottom of the basket.