Conspiracy 101 – use your tin wisely

Lately the subject of “tinfoil hats” has come to my attention a few times so I feel it is necessary to help dispell some inaccuracies that are common around their construction. Whether it’s 5G networks, mind control rays, chemtrails, space lasers or any of a number of other conspiracies against you (the list is endless really), you may find yourself wondering how to make a proper tinfoil hat. On the surface it seems easy, you grab some good old Reynolds food wrap and shape it as you wish over your somewhat vacuous noggin. But hold on, it’s not that simple! First off, after the Second World War, tinfoil was supersceded by the cheaper “aluminum foil”. If you’ve been making your tinfoil hats out of food wrap over the last 75 years or so you have not been getting any tin protection. While aluminum does help with some things like chemtrail fallout, it does nothing for 5G waves. You need to know your material properties! Pure tin sheeting is expensive, but really can you put a price on saving yourself from brain eradication?
I prefer a multi-use type metallic hat just in case there are conspiracies out there that we don’t know about yet. Copper, for example, is the most conductive non-precious metal you can buy – 65% more conductive than aluminum! – and it comes in tape form, which makes it absolutely perfect for hat assembly.
What I like to do is start with an old beanie type hat as your base – it helps keep your hat from getting itchy on your scalp so you can wear it for more hours of the day. Since tin is expensive, you can limit its use to about a 10cm wide rectangle for the forehead area and two small squares, one for each temple area. Those 5G waves are targeting your frontal lobe so this is really all you need to protect with tin. (Note – take a look in the mirror and increase the size depending on how big your forehead is)
Once you have your tin cut out, go ahead and hot-glue gun those plates directly onto your beanie base. The glue will not affect the reflective qualities of the tin however I do strongly reccomend taking the beanie off of your head before you hit it with hot glue – but you do you.
Now you are ready for the first layer of aluminum foil. You want to be careful that you orient this layer correctly and ensure that you put the “shiny” side in. This will keep your thoughts from escaping to where others can read your mind. Keeping your thoughts secure in your head will honestly make the world a better place. I also like to leave a couple of foil flaps hanging down at the back to cover the neck area – an alloy mullet if you will. I’m not sure if it does anything but it looks super cool.
Up to this point we have been using all non-ferrous (non magnetic) materials. As an extra layer of protection you can wrap a coil of good old-fashioned galvanized fencing wire around the hat now. This layer doesn’t need to fully cover the surface area, just 6 or 8 wraps will sufficiently disrupt any magnetic impulse beams trying to penetrate your deepest and darkest secret thoughts. (Helpful hint – Leave a loop of free wire at the back that you can grab with plyers later to twist and tighten, so that no NWO agents can pull it off of your head)
To hold the wire wrap in place, cover it with the copper tape. Use as much of this as you like, remembering that copper is very conductive so if you are outside during a storm later you may just become a 5 or 6 foot tall lightning rod. Some risks cannot be overcome. In fact, as a functionality test you may wish to actively search out a thunderstorm to stand in. (Note – please video this test and send it to me. Please.)
The final step is what will give your hat its “traditional” tinfoil hat look. Cover the entire assembly with your second layer of aluminum foil. Be sure to put this layer of foil opposite to the first layer, with the “shiny” side out this time – to reflect the mind control rays away from you. Some people like to put the foil into a point on top. This conehead look is very aerodynamic and is also quite dapper – style is style and you want to look as good as you feel. You just never know when you will stumble across the love of your life. Of course, you won’t stumble across anyone while living in your basement so now that you have a stylish and functional protective hat, get out there and meet some people. Just be sure to update your Tinder profile pic.