Love, lies and romance – how to win her heart this Valentine’s day

I am hoping that by now you have started to trust me and understand just how much I can help to make your life easier.  With that in mind, I am here to save the day yet again.  By this point in the year you should have milked all of the love and admiration you can out of the perfect Christmas gift you picked for your spouse and are ready to restart the cycle of respect with the next big gift giving event – Valentines day!
One of the natural abilities that I’ve been blessed with is a very high functioning sense of romance, just ask my wife.  I have been told many, many times “Oh aren’t you romantic!”  Usually when they say this they are so amazed that they actually roll their eyes in their heads.  My wife is in complete awe of how lucky she has gotten by finding such romance.  Since Valentine’s day is all about love I figured that I would spread some of my talent and help out those of you who may not have such a  deep understanding of romance.
The first lesson is to ignore everything that you have ever seen in a commercial.   True romance is much more than a box of fattening candy or a wilting flower that represents the death that will soon be your relationship.   Heck no!  You must find something that will be around for awhile to remind her of you either physically or in memory.  It also must be red.  Red is the colour of love and if your gift is red it is halfway to being a perfect valentine’s present already.  I know some people are lucky enough to have red themes or accents in their kitchen and these guys have it really easy; there is no end to the red appliances you can buy!  One look at that new red blender or toaster and she will fall in love all over again – I promise!
If you don’t have the option of red appliances in the kitchen you may have to try a little harder to get the same success.  One sweet and personal idea is to buy her a gym membership online and then simply put red paper in your printer and print it out.  Keeping the red theme alive and showing how much you want her to live a long, healthy life by losing a few of those extra pounds – now that’s a win-win!
If you still have your heart set on chocolates because, let’s face it, the media has forced us to believe that ladies love chocolate, here is another little trick for you:  go ahead and buy chocolates but make sure that they are individually wrapped in red foil.  Now unwrap all of the chocolates, being careful to save the foil wrapping; then either give the chocolates to some kids or eat them yourself, however you would like to dispose of them is fine.  Next, chop up some vegetables (I like carrots or broccoli) and wrap them carefully using the red foil and put them back in the box – voila!  You have the stereotypical romantic look with the added love and care of again helping your partner lead a healthy life.  Put the wrapped veggies with the gym membership and you have a one-two punch that will probably get you out of buying her any more presents this year!
If money is tight and you can’t afford a new vacuum cleaner or a divorce then as a last resort you can leave a long lasting impression by making your own valentine’s day cards or notes and leaving them hidden throughout the house – finding a love note would be the highlight of anyone’s day!  All you need is some construction paper (red of course) and a permanent marker.  Don’t use a pencil as it can be erased, showing insecurity and a lack of commitment.  Only a black permanent marker can properly represent the indelible mark she has left on your heart.  Simply cut out some red hearts, write a brief note expressing your feelings and she will never forget this Valentine’s day.  Remember to be creative and personal so she knows you are not just spouting some tired old Hallmark cliches.  Some ideas you can use are:
“Even if time hasn’t been good to your body, I still like it”
“I love that there’s so much of you to love”
“I love you almost as much as I love my car”
“You weren’t my first choice but I’m so happy we are together”
“I love you so much that I’m ok with your cooking”

    Remember also to be honest, she will appreciate it, and if your note includes some constructive criticism on cooking or housecleaning she will know that you really care about making your house a better home.  Now get out there and knock her socks off!
Happy Valentine’s day!


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