Towel Protocol

Due to an abundance of social events this year, such as the recent graduations and weddings, I have to share this important informational bulletin regarding visitations. Of course, as always, our friends and family are more than welcome to stay with us at the Chateau Anderson when you travel from out of town for these events, (In fact some of you have your rooms “booked” already, and let me assure you that we look forward to it!) however I do feel that it is in everyones best interest to shed some light on the very serious topic of TOWELS.

Before I go into further detail, I must disclose that I am NOT the towel expert in our household – that honour goes to the current presiding Towel Superintendent. (I’m pretty sure I do not need to explain who this is, suffice it to say that there was absolutely no democracy involved in the creation and appointment of this position, but I digress) I am only putting this information together from what I have gleaned with my amazing powers of observation.  That combined with having been told this information approximately 750,000 times by the Towel Superintendent.  Either way, the knowledge has stuck in my cortex, at least temporarily, somehow.

For your upcoming visit you need to be aware that there are many, many towels of assorted styles and colours located in various locations throughout our house, so please feel free to print this off and keep in your suitcase for reference purposes. I may release a simplified chart version that you could keep in your wallet once you have familiarized yourself with this information.

In your bedroom you will find some WHITE towels (hereafter called the “Guest Towels”). That is, of course, unless they are not white – in which case they probably match the colour of your curtains.  Or they may match your bedding.  Or they may match the wall.  The important part to remember here is that the Guest Towels are aesthetically matched to THAT particular room and you ARE allowed to use these towels freely.  This is, in fact, the preferred towel set for you to use.

In the bathroom itself you will find some more towels (hereafter called the “Nice Towels”). These towels will of course match the bathroom wall colour perfectly.  The Nice Towels are also available for you, as our guest, to use as you wish.  The Towel Superintendent would be honoured to have you use these towels.  Important to note: Anyone who is NOT a guest in the house is NOT allowed to use these for any purpose and any unauthorized Nice Towel usage must be reported immediately! If you witness a full time resident (otherwise known as Scoundrel or Rapscallion) with a Nice Towel please report the transgression to the Towel Superintendent (TS) who will then dish out the appropriate punishment (a little too happily and enthusiastically, I might add).

If you should happen to find some green bath towels hanging in the bathroom (hereafter called the “Green Towels”) please note that these belong to the kids.  Said kids should not leave Green Towels out in public areas so if you do see a rogue Green Towel out in view, please again report to the TS immediately.  We do not recommend handling a Green Towel without necessary safety equipment and we cannot be held liable for any injury or sickness incurred by said towels.  If a Green Towel is seen moving on its own or trying to escape please skip the Towel Superintendent and immediately dial 911.

Depending on your length of stay (and the status of our laundry day) you may also have an emergency situation and where someone will direct you to the hall closet where you will find a colourful stack we like to call the “Spare Towels”. These towels are perfectly acceptable (in fact magnificent) if the only parameter for a towels worthiness was something crazy like, you know, actually drying stuff off.  However these towels have been cursed with colours and patterns that do NOT match any of our home décor and have therefore been banished to the closet where they are only brought into use should the Daily Living Towel System malfunction and the Towel Emergency Plan Level One be enacted.  If this situation occurs please use the towels as normal but refrain from commenting on their colour or style.  The Towel Superintendent is very aware of the situation should these fine towels come into need and making note of these towels will not improve the matter.

As a last point, there are some faded, ragged old blue towels located on the premises. (Hereafter called the “Old Towels”).  These towels are the only ones that I personally am actually allowed to use.  As a guest in our house there should never, ever, EVER be a reason for you to even see the Old Towels.  If you do happen upon an Old Towel then we will know that the Towel System has fully broken down into complete towel anarchy.  The Towel Superintendent will be forced to implement the full Towel Emergency Protocol.  I honestly do not know what that means but I suspect it will be akin to the audio file from the Hindenburg disaster.  Oh the humanity!  If it reaches this point it will be every man/woman for themselves, do not stop to save pets or help others – it’s not worth it and there simply is no time.  There will be no debrief or further follow up needed should we reach this point.  I can only bid you farewell and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.  The rest will come out at the trial.

We look forward to having you visit, please enjoy your stay and remember to Towel responsibly.