There’s an old saying that goes “if you’re not part of the solution, you are part of the problem”. With that in mind I have decided that it is time for me to stand up, put my money where my mouth is and bravely become a part of the problem – I mean solution. Whatever. The point is, I am going to run for office. I haven’t decided which office yet, I suspect my platform will guide that direction, but when the people see what I have to offer I assume that they may push for Canada to return to a Monarchy and make me their King. We shall see.
My platform is very simple. As proven by many of our previous election results, voters don’t seem to care about the big issues anyway, so why bother? I will leave those items to the regular monkeys and I will focus my time on issues where I can really make a difference. Important issues that may not make the daily news but will help make life easier for the average individual. Here are some of the key points I will have on my agenda:
Gas stations will have a separate lineup for cigarettes and lottery tickets – That’s right, if you want to buy these items at a gas station that’s fine, but you are a second tier customer to someone who is using a gas station to, oh you know, ACTUALLY BUY GAS. If you are holding up a line while you try to decide between a Bingo scratch or a Crossword scratch the gas station employee will be required, by law, to pull a lever and open a trap door which will drop you into a pit of serpents. Don’t worry, your fall will be softened by the piles of non-winning scratch tickets that will all be stored down there. The snakes? All I can say is “Good luck.”
While we are on Gas station rules, pay at the pump will also be required to just give you fuel. Swipe your card and fill your car. Easy. No more “Please enter amount, select account, what’s your code, would you like a carwash? Reward points? How about a receipt? Care to see a weather update? Want to buy some potato chips?” – No, none of the nonsense, you get regular fuel and you leave.
Note – if you are in some kind of crazy tax bracket where you can afford premium fuel then you will have your own lineup, you probably don’t want to associate with the rest of us common folk anyway.
One last small gas station point – if the receipt printer is broken the pump will no longer say “please see inside for receipt”. Nope, if they can’t keep their equipment working then your fuel is free. The display will say “sorry we cannot keep a basic thermal printer operating for more than 12 minutes, your money has been refunded into your account, enjoy your free gas”.
With some of the small teaser promises out of the way, it’s time to unveil what is possibly my largest campaign platform: Once elected, I will immediately implement a four day work week. That’s right, EVERY weekend will be a “long weekend”. The best part is, it will be a floating long weekend so you decide if you want to take the Friday off or the Monday. I see merit in each so the choice will be a personal one – let it not be said that I don’t follow my constituents wishes. Of course this free time will allow for more recreation, so if you don’t have a hobby you may want to find one quickly for my next campaign promise: Any purchase that is a part of your recreation shall be considered a positive for mental health and will be a 100% tax write-off. Skiing, Snowmobiling, Camping gear, Motorcycles, fuel to get… well, fuel to get really anywhere that isn’t work. You get the idea. If it’s a way to relax that isn’t a chore then it’s covered. Yes, even that big screen TV if that’s your pastime. Heck, let’s throw in your Netflix subscription.
Social Media will also see some changes under my watch. We’ve all received those irritating chain messages that show up to your inbox and say “let’s keep this going!” – usually around the holidays. These pesky messages are annoying at best and, at worst, can carry viruses or malware. Under my regime, the forwarding of these messages will automatically generate an email money transfer of $25.00 from your bank account to every person that you sent it to. Your social media account will then be deactivated until you can show some semblance of self-control. Honestly, we can have a Merry Christmas without a flashing Christmas tree GIF arriving from someone we speak to once every four years.
Changes will also be made in how we see political social media posts. And by that I mean, we won’t see them. All political posts on social media will be covered or blurred (similar to the current graphic images warnings) and you will have decide if you actually want to view it. Simply scrolling will no longer subject you to the President of Russia’s head photo-shopped onto a moose or any other unsolicited quotes or opinions. Let’s be honest, never, ever, in the history of ever-ness has someone switched party allegiance because Dave from New Brunswick shared his hilarious Prime Minister meme. NEVER.
This is just a start to my election promises, but of course I will be open to more suggestions. As stated previously, listening to my constituents will be at the very foundation of my leadership role. (Except for the weird people). In the meantime, I value your input on such items as a title for myself; does “Supreme Leader” seem too magniloquent? I suppose it will depend on whether or not “King” is available. Whatever the title is, I promise to work hard for the little people. I won’t promise to ignore budgets, economies or unemployment numbers as we already have enough people in power that ignore these. Instead, whenever these issues are raised, I will proceed to stare blankly at a wall. That should be as effective as or better than most leadership strategies.
Oh, I almost forgot, puppies will be free and there will be dog parks on every corner – And we will make the Cat people pay for it.
Thank you for your support.