What If

I recently come across a picture on social media that someone had snapped of an elderly gentleman standing in line at what appears to be a hardware store. This fellow had on a rather odd homemade-looking hat and a pair of rubber boots. He also wore a face mask. This photo was taken solely because of this gentleman’s appearance and posted in a “joking” manner. The post then received many responses, all laughing and making jokes about his choice of clothing and, of course, his face mask. This gentleman has zero knowledge of the whole post, or even that his picture was taken for that matter.
Here’s the thing – not one of the dozens of people poking fun at this gentleman knows anything about him, his life, or his circumstances that lead up to this moment. Instead of ridicule, I tried to imagine some possibilities of how his life’s voyage may have lead to this point: I thought about the “what ifs”.
What if his wife of 60 years has just undergone cancer treatment and is in bed recovering at home and if she catches so much as cold right now it could kill her. This gentleman may not scientifically know if the mask will help but it certainly can’t hurt and he’s damn sure going to do everything he can to protect his sick wife. Perhaps he had slipped on his comfy old rubber boots simply because they were easy to put on. Maybe he fondly thinks back to his favourite dress shoes and how hard they were for his old work hardened bones to get on and tie up. What if the last time he wore those dress shoes was to his best friends funeral last year. That was before his wife and taken ill, and at that time she had knelt in front of him, lovingly cinching the laces that his arthritic hands were no longer capable of tightening. What if the memory had reminded him that he needed to find some kind of slip on shoes to wear, but he hadnt gotten around to it. He hated shopping for shoes. For now, his boots would do.
And how about that hat? That floppy, oddly shapen hat. Maybe it was sewn by the man’s granddaughter, and he thinks she had done a fine job for an 8 year old. He remembers how she told him that the hat “makes you so pretty grampa!”. His son and daughter inlaw had seperated shortly after she made the hat, and they had moved away. He hadn’t seen his granddaughter in person for two years now, but he still liked to wear the hat – he misses her so much. And now here he is, standing in line waiting for help with a mounting bracket for the TV. He needs it to swivel so his wife can watch her favourite show from whichever side of the bed she is on while she recovers. Right now thier favourite program is a reality baking competition. His wife is a fantastic baker and her cookies and cakes are delicious. He hopes that one day she is able to stand long enough to bake him a fresh batch again. Until then he will just wait patiently in line, minding his own business – while you laugh at his clothing.
I bet he doesn’t give a shit what you think.

Secret Ingredient

Anne took a tentative bite and chewed with her mouth partly open, the way you do when something is too hot or if you are trying to really taste something. She sighed deeply before her lip started to quiver.  Unable to help it she burst into tears, building until she was sobbing uncontrollably. Normally a failed baking attempt wouldn’t invoke such an emotional response but this wasn’t just any recipe. This one had been passed down through several generations.

Anne thought back to when she was a child and could smell her moms baking wafting from the kitchen of their modest country home. She recalled how delicious these cookies were, still hot out of the pan.

She sniffled and looked down at the old, greasy faded sheet of paper that she had found among her moms things. The recipe was handwritten in pen and it was a fairly easy recipe, except for one line that read “a dash of the secret ingredient”.

Anne sighed and wished she had paid attention while her mother was baking. She didn’t know what the secret ingrediant was but it was the difference between “ok” cookies and the delicious ones she remembered as a child.

Her thoughts were broken by her daughter Mary walked into the house, home from school “Do I smell COOKIES??”

Anne hoped her crying wasn’t obvious, “Sure do kiddo – help yourself but they didn’t turn out very good”

Anne watched as Mary took a tentative bite before her eyes widened, “These are AMAZING!!” Mary exclaimed.

Anne smiled, sure her daughter was just saying that to be nice.

“Thanks sweetie. They were my favourite growing up, but the recipe calls for a secret ingredient and I never found out what that ingredient was before mom – I mean grandma – passed away”

Mary caught a bit of the sorrow in her moms eyes.

“Well I wouldn’t worry about it, these are the best cookies ever just the way they are!”

Anne smiled and started cleaning up, tucking the worn recipe card back into the box it was kept safe in.

The moment, and the recipe card, wouldn’t be thought of again for many years.

Anne had been sick for awhile and Mary was doing her best to take care of her. After several treatments and many long hospital stays, the time had come for Anne to be moved into palliative care for her final days.

After one of her daily visits Mary found herself bumbling around her mothers kitchen, trying to keep herself and her mind busy. When she stumbled across the old box of favourite recipes she paused before peering inside. The moment she saw that faded, worn card she remembered that she hadn’t had those cookies since she had been a little girl. The hand scrawled words “secret ingredient” didn’t slow her down as she whisked, kneeded, mixed and baked her way through the instructions, happy for the distraction.

The next morning she snuck some of the family cookies into Anne’s room. Her moms eyes were dim, but sparkled slightly when she smelled the treats.

“Oh sweetie you shouldn’t have”, she said weakly.

Mary helped her mom steady her hand to shakily take a bite.

Anne smiled and said “You did it! They taste exactly like I remember as a child! What was the secret ingredient?”

Mary smiled, her eyes tearing over, “It’s love, mom. The secret ingredient is love. That’s why your cookies were just as delicious to me as grandma’s were to you.”

Anne squeezed Mary’s hand, “You always were so smart. I’m proud of you my dear.”

Mary waited until her mother fell asleep before taking the partially eaten cookie from her tray and putting it on the bedside table.

While her daughter sat watching, Anne quietly let out one final rough breath and just like that, she was gone. Mary felt the tears start to roll down her cheeks as she clasped her moms frail hand in hers. Just then, Mary felt a tiny kick inside of her growing belly. “I wish you could have stayed long enough to meet your grandbaby, mom. It’s a girl. Her name will be Anne. And she is going to bake cookies.”

Heroes

Jon had been standing on the bridge for hours, long since watching the sun go down. Rush hour traffic had faded and the world was getting quieter. Jon reflected on the many wrong turns he had made in his life, all leading to this moment. Failed marriage, failed career, failing health – it seemed to Jon that he couldn’t really do anything right. Looking down towards the water he sighed heavily. He turned and slowly trudged towards home where nothing awaited him except for the beer that would help him “sleep” – just like last night and the night before.

Approaching the end of the bridge he paused, an unusual sound drawing his attention. Listening closely he heard it again. A tiny yip coming from the long grass growing where the bridge span made its return to earth. Jon climbed down off of the walkway.
The cardboard box was wet and damaged, laying partly in the water, duct tape holding it closed. Jon could see the box moving as the yipping continued.

Without further pause, Jon tore the box open to find two cloudy brown eyes surrounded by soft golden-red fur peering up at him. Their gaze locked before the puppies mouth opened and a raucous set of tiny yips and barks spewed forth. Wrapping the young dog in his coat, Jon headed for home with the soft squeaks of the now happy puppy cheering him on.
The next morning, Jon called the local shelter.

“I don’t know where it came from, I found it under the 15th St. bridge” Jon explained. “I would guess its about 6 months old? I’m not a real dog guy so I’m not sure.” Jon paused before adding, “I can’t keep it, sorry. I can barely look after myself.” Jon said the last part with a chuckle although he really wasn’t joking. “Sure I can drop him off in an hour, thank you.”

Jon opened the basement door and his new friend awkwardly bounded up the stairs to greet him. Jon didn’t know much about dogs but he knew one thing – this one never quit barking. At least not until now. The puppy looked up at Jon and tentatively wagged it’s tail, like that was enough to make up for it’s all night vocal barrage.

“Come on dude,” Jon sighed “let’s get you out of here”

The shelter had a few forms for Jon to fill out and he reiterated that he knew nothing about the sad little canine. From the kennel Jon could hear the now familiar barking start up again; He wouldn’t miss that sound.
Paperwork complete, Jon walked out to the street, thankful for the quiet brought on by the closing door. Life was back to normal. At least normal for Jon. He took a deep breath and headed down the dusty grey sidewalk.
Days continued to pass, the boredom in Jon’s life unflinching and his health continued paying the price. Each day blurred into the next as he simply existed, not really living but surviving.

It was another unremarkable evening when Jon’s phone rang. He chose to ignore it, letting it instead go straight to message.

“Hi Jon, this is Kathy from the shelter. I’m just calling to let you know that the dog you brought in is going to be put down tomorrow. He is just too damaged to rehome. He has had infections and he is almost completely blind. His anxiety has him barking non-stop. So sorry Jon, I just thought you should know.”

That’s what the message was at least, but Jon never heard it. He hit delete before it even played. Jon grabbed a beer and turned back to the TV.

The sense of someone beside him caused Jon to awake with a start. There was something beeping beside him as well. And why was it so bright? Confused, he tried to sit up and felt a hand on his arm.

“Easy there fella, you’re ok. We gotcha.”

Now awake Jon realized that he was in a hospital bed. Monitor lines ran to his body and a nurse stood by his side.

“Whats going on?” Jon asked weakly.

“You’ve had a small heart attack,” said the nurse, “you’re lucky to still be with us. Your dog saved the day for sure!”

“My dog?” Jon’s brow furrowed.

“Yes, he was on your porch barking his head off. Your neighbor went over because of the noise and saw you lying on the floor though the window.”

“But… I don’t have…”

Jon was cut off by the door opening. A stranger in a brown uniform poked his head around the corner and looked at the nurse.

“Is he OK to come in now? He won’t shut up!”

The nurse laughed, “Sure, we are stable here, come on in.”

Before the stranger had time to answer they all heard a yell from down the hall. “Grab him!!”
Jon instantly recognized the yipping as it grew louder, approaching down the hallway at a very high rate of speed. The door burst open and the barking dog bounced clumsily off of the door frame before launching himself onto the bed, instantly licking Jon’s face, his whole furry body wriggling and shaking. For the first time in as long as he could remember, Jon started laughing. The wiggling, wagging and licking machine didn’t let up. The Dog handler breathlessly arrived at the door.

“I’m so sorry, he slipped right out of his collar!”

The nurse smiled. “It’s fine, he just had someone he wanted to see.”

The dog handler interrupted, “We just got a call from the shelter, this guy escaped from there last night. I’m sorry sir, we just assumed he was yours, he’s been waiting to see you all night. We will get him out of your hair”

Leash in hand, brown hat took a step towards the bed.

“Not a chance!” Jon said, “he is mine. He knows it. I just didn’t know it.” Jon smiled and scrubbed the dogs head.

“How you been buddy? Good to see you.” Jon paused, “I hear that I owe you one.” For the first time in a long time the barking had stopped. A wet tongue gave Jon’s face another lick.

I’m Sorry

I curled up in my kennel and waited for someone – anyone – to come and visit me. It had been a whirlwind couple of days but here, alone in the quiet with nothing but white walls and cold cement around me, I am able to reflect. I had been so happy, with good food and lots of playtime. My owner loved me so much and we used to go on walks to the park every day. I don’t know why she kept throwing the ball but I always ran to fetch it for her, returning it in exchange for love and praise – only for her to accidentally drop it for me to fetch again. Sometimes it flew so far when she dropped it! This was our favourite game and we spent hours in the sunshine, just the two of us and our precious ball.
When the little new person came into our lives I knew it was someone special. I was always so gentle with this tiny little person. It seemed to cry a lot so I knew I had to help to take care of it. The new little person was named Lucy and she would quickly become my favourite human. I watched her as she grew to where she could crawl on all fours, and soon even walk on her back two legs, a trick I never quite mastered! Her new found mobility really made our playtime more fun and Lucy and I grew to be best friends. I really had the greatest life with my loving owner and my little buddy who cuddled me as I watched her fall asleep every night.
One day we had a new person come to our house. I named this one “Bad Person”. Bad Person never liked me and was only nice while other people were around. When we were alone, Bad Person was mean to me. Sometimes dragging me by the collar to throw me outside. Sometimes Bad Person even hurt me. I hate Bad Person.
The thought of Bad Person has made me uncomfortable so I stand up and turn in a tiny circle in my cramped quarters. This kennel really makes me miss my little best friend’s bed. I put my head on my paws and sigh again, my thoughts turning back to the recent events.
I had been sleeping on the couch when I felt something touch my tail. Before I was fully awake my tail was yanked hard, almost pulling me off the couch. It must be Bad Person! This time it has gone too far! Enough! I turned and snapped, vowing to show Bad Person I wasn’t to be messed with! Except it wasn’t Bad Person at all. It was my little Lucy! I knew I had done something wrong the moment Lucy screamed. I was so confused, I ran to hide as my owner was yelling and the screaming continued. It was all a blur. How could I hurt my precious Lucy! I would die for her! How could I be so stupid! I had been so sure it was Bad Person behind me! 
My thoughts are broken again, this time by voices and footsteps coming down the hall. People! I need to show them how sorry I am! How I will love my little Lucy forever!
The white coats appear and I realize it is not my owner, or my Lucy, coming to see me. I had made such a mistake, my own people do not love me anymore – they wont even come and visit me. I peer up through the bars and try to muster a small tail wag.
The kennel door is opened and one of the white coats coaxes me out. This one seems nice enough, the voice is soothing. I recognize “good boy” out of the jumble of words. Suddenly I feel the small prick of a needle in my leg – I’ve had enough shots to know that needles are ok so it doesn’t bother me. Maybe if I’m brave and be good my people will come back?
This needle makes me feel funny right away though – not like the others. Suddenly I am so sleepy. I need to lay my head down for a short nap. I hope that when I wake up my people will be there again. It’s so cold and lonely here. As I close my eyes and let the darkness wash over me I have one final thought. “I’m sorry I hurt you Lucy. I love you.”

Saving the world ain’t easy.

It’s product review time again! Faithful readers will know that every now and then a product comes by that deserves some extra attention – and I am just the guy to give it. So without further adieu, let’s talk paper towel…
Recently I was wandering through my favourite grocery store and on my list, right between sour cream and celery, was PAPER TOWEL. I always cringe a little because paper towel math is very similar to toilet paper math. Single roll, double roll, triple roll, half sheets, full sheets, 4 pack or 6 pack… We’ve all been there, scientific calculator in hand, trying to figure out the best deal. Some quick algebra and crudely sketched graphs and I was down to two choices. One of those choices was in a nice green package and claimed to be “sustainable” and something about eco blah blah. Now I’m not against forestry but honestly our forest management could use a little help so if I can have one tree directed to a much needed $12.00 two-by-four instead of being wasted sopping up my coffee from the Kuerig I forgot to put a cup under, then why not?
Curious what “tree free” paper was I did a quick read on the package and discovered that this amazing product was made from BAMBOO. And not just any bamboo, but the SOFTEST, MOST ABSORBANT bamboo on the planet. Intrigued I decided to try it.
I took their word on the sustainability part – I do not know if the bamboo was stolen from a Panda family or not. Perhaps I was using a baby Pandas last meal as a soak pad for bacon grease? Unfortunately I do not have that kind of information. I also do not know the carbon footprint of shipping bamboo halfway around the world instead of using local trees. I also do not know the human rights issues that may or may not be involved with the harvesting of said Bambo. Hmmm – a lot to think about for simple paper towel, but it was cheap so… Best to stick with imagining that I am saving the planet.
Upon opening the package I noticed that it was significantly umm – let’s say “crunchier” than normal paper towel. The package claims “the softest paper products in the world” and while i didnt do a scientific experiment with peer reviewing, I will stand by my assertation that I’ve felt softer. In fact I’m pretty sure I’ve felt softer 120 grit sandpaper. Alas I am trying to clean a counter top not do bodywork on a car. (At this moment I made a mental note to NEVER try bamboo toilet paper should the opportunity ever arise.)
Fast forward a couple of days and, with my incredible purchasing decision a distant memory, I walked into the house and noticed a smell. Now when I say “smell” I mean a noxious odor of indescribable horror. A full on olfactory assault of apocalyptic proportion. And when I say “notice” I mean it was like the preceeding scent was applied to my nose with a high speed shovel.
One of the dogs had apparently eaten something that didn’t quite agree with her intestines. Also apparently, whatever she ate came out as demon infused chocolate tapioca pudding mixed with mud water – and it came out from the opposite end that it went in. (It came out the end that doesn’t have teeth in case you didn’t follow me there). I wasn’t sure if I needed doggie pepto bismal or a K9 exorcism, but neither was available at this moment so through clenched teeth and watering eyes I held my breath and sent the somewhat forlorn looking offender outside.
Now I don’t want to be too graphic but the above mentioned chocolate tapioca was EVERYWHERE. Including a delightful spray up the wall. I did note that the spatter pattern would make for interesting abstract art – which added to my thoughts of cutting out the drywall and starting over. A coat of varathane and I could sell it at an art auction perhaps. I’d need a catchy title though, and unfortunately “The Last Supper” and “The Scream”, while both very fitting names, have already been taken by some other artists. Anyway, back to the product review.
I hurriedly grabbed my new paper towel, never having thought that it’s first usage would be a full blown, five alarm emergency situation. I quickly unraveled a few sheets and pulled at the perforation and… nothing happened. I regripped and tugged again and the bamboo paper-replacement finally ripped… LENGTHWISE. I now had two strips of this eco-friendly science experiment hanging from the roll mocking me. I gave up on that particular perforation and spooled down a couple more sheets, starting my rip carefully now at the edge of the line that was, by all accounts, put there for the very purpose of ripping. A ragged line formed, tearing quite literally everywhere EXCEPT on the perforation. Apparently the perforation guy didn’t understand the assignment.
By this point the smell was permeating my eye sockets and I was pretty sure I could taste the K9 chocolate tapioca so a smooth tear was now very low on my priority list anyway. I bundled up the mass I had been able to set free from the main roll and applied it to the brown soupy mess at my feet and… nothing. It soaked up nothing. Apparently bamboo is not absorbant? In horror I began to move the bundle in a circular motion, smearing an amazing pattern of liquid brown goo around while actually soaking up very little. Now in full blown panic I started spooling off paper like a blue marlin taking line on a deep sea fishing charter. I emptied the whole roll across the floor two and three layers deep like a new carpet – anything to block the smell. The empty spool fell to the floor as I unloaded roll #2 onto the mess at my feet. Dizzy from holding my breath, I have now left it that way in the hopes that a wandering Panda will smell the bamboo and come to help clean up. Either that or when it dries I can just paint over it and call it good. I suspect it should dry pretty solid and might even take a good coat of wax. I will need to change the couch cushions to match the colour however that rule of three goes on home decor.
I do have to wonder what exactly the purpose is of paper towel that is not made from paper, doesn’t tear and also doesn’t soak up the spills is actually for? The only thing it did right is hold its shape in the non-environmentally friendly plastic wrapper and look like paper towel long enough to trick me out of $5.49. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a shower.

The Difference?

Random thought…
Let’s imagine that I start making moonshine in my garage. Now of course there are laws in place and it is against federal law to distill hard alcohol (even for personal consumption) without a license. This prohibits me from legally making moonshine, but it really isn’t that difficult to do. All of the ingredients are readily accessible, it just takes some inexpensive equipment and a little know how and boom, the moonshine is flowing. I’m not allowed to legally sell it either obviously, but I soon discover that there are people who love my moonshine. In fact the demand is higher than I anticipated so I decide to quietly start selling my precious blend for cash. Hey, I’m just giving the people what they want, and if I make a few bucks in the process I’m helping the economy! Soon things are going great and my secret business is booming. My customers all know to keep quiet and we can continue our relationship forever. They all quickly grow to trust my discretion and expertise. One day I decide my moonshine would taste better with a little cyanide in it. My clients still trust me of course so they continue to drink my product. Suddenly my customers are turning up dead by the hundreds, or even thousands. In fact, cyanide laced moonshine quickly becomes the number one cause of death in males aged 19 – 39. I don’t care because I’m making a fortune, so I continue producing and selling my mixture.
While I am careful, this is a risky business and one day I slip up; the police finally catch me. I am caught red handed with a bag full of cash and a trunk load of cyanide poisoned moonshine. Upon my arrest I would expect to have some serious mental health assessments done. What kind of a madman would purposely poison his clients, or anyone for that matter? Assuming I was found mentally fit to stand trial I would then be stuffed in a jail cell for my remaining years. I would most likely make international news in fact. Every news department in the world would carry the story of the mad Canadian who was poisoning people with cyanide.

Now replace the words “cyanide laced moonshine” with “fentanyl laced drugs” in this tale and try to figure out why we dont lock up drug dealers and throw away the key?

Grow Long and Prosper

Everyone I know enjoys that quiet time at the end of the day when you get to relax. You know the time – a long work day is done, dinner is done, chores are done and you get to curl up in bed with your spouse and watch a movie or your favourite series on TV. So relaxing! I was enjoying just such an evening when one tiny error changed my life. You see, I forgot to shut the closet light off. Normally not a big deal, except – the closet light caught my face just right and my charming wife noticed that I had a long eyebrow hair that was a little rogue. She sat bolt upright and said she had tweezers handy and would (I quote) “just pop it out quick”. In hindsight I now realize that the look on her face upon spotting this renegade hair was the same look of excitement a wolf gets when it spots a defenseless bunny casually eating a dandelion – and, like the bunny, I was oblivious to the horror about to befall me.  Naively I thought “sure why not” after all she plucks them on herself all of the time and I’ve seen her do it without even flinching. At this point I really believed that she was being helpful. It turns out that she was actually plotting a form of medieval torture – and she had the audacity to look me straight in the eye with a smile when she said I would hardly feel it.
I laid back and closed my eyes while she leaned in with her dainty little tweezers and grabbed a hold of this hair that somehow had pissed her off. She gave a quick little trial tug and I started to have doubts: not only did the hair not come out, but it was far from “hardly noticeable”. In fact it kinda hurt, but I wasn’t going to let her know. I cracked open one eye slightly to peek and watched in growing concern as she pushed her sleeves up and leaned in again, now wielding the tweezers with a white knuckle grip and a crazed look of evil glee in her eye – I began to worry more.
She took hold of this sad, innocent hair again and said “ok, on three – one, two…” and yanked! On two!! I opened my mouth to tell her that she cheated but before I could speak the burn set in. Now, when I say “burn” what I mean is it kind of felt like she had hit me in the face with a shovel. Since my mouth was already open to call her out on her cheating, there was nothing to get in the way of the scream that followed. While the neighbors were undoubtedly locking their doors and preparing to call 911 to report the bloodcurdling cry, I panicked and clamped my hand over my eye, assumedly to stem the flow of blood. I quickly looked to see if she had ripped my entire brow off of my face or only half of it – but no, the tweezers were clean. Expecting to see blood sprayed across her face I glanced at her next, her lip curled back maniacally shouting “I got it!” with a purely evil Dr Frankenstein expression. At least I think she said “I got it” – she may have said “It’s Alive!!” I honestly expected to hear lightning and thunder outside of the laboratory…err, house.
It is at this time I realized that the particular hair she was so angry with must have been very long indeed as it obviously had its root firmly implanted in my backside. That’s right, I am 100% convinced that she had just pulled a hair from my ass out through my face. That is the only possible explanation for the depth that I can feel this pain.

The tears were still streaming down my face and the full shock was just setting in when I think she said that she had spotted another one. I’m not sure; I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of her sentence.

If anyone needs me, I have currently locked myself in the closet until she falls asleep. If anyone knows a good therapist please give them my number.

Conspiracy 101 – use your tin wisely

Lately the subject of “tinfoil hats” has come to my attention a few times so I feel it is necessary to help dispell some inaccuracies that are common around their construction. Whether it’s 5G networks, mind control rays, chemtrails, space lasers or any of a number of other conspiracies against you (the list is endless really), you may find yourself wondering how to make a proper tinfoil hat. On the surface it seems easy, you grab some good old Reynolds food wrap and shape it as you wish over your somewhat vacuous noggin. But hold on, it’s not that simple! First off, after the Second World War, tinfoil was supersceded by the cheaper “aluminum foil”. If you’ve been making your tinfoil hats out of food wrap over the last 75 years or so you have not been getting any tin protection. While aluminum does help with some things like chemtrail fallout, it does nothing for 5G waves. You need to know your material properties! Pure tin sheeting is expensive, but really can you put a price on saving yourself from brain eradication?
I prefer a multi-use type metallic hat just in case there are conspiracies out there that we don’t know about yet. Copper, for example, is the most conductive non-precious metal you can buy – 65% more conductive than aluminum! – and it comes in tape form, which makes it absolutely perfect for hat assembly.
What I like to do is start with an old beanie type hat as your base – it helps keep your hat from getting itchy on your scalp so you can wear it for more hours of the day. Since tin is expensive, you can limit its use to about a 10cm wide rectangle for the forehead area and two small squares, one for each temple area. Those 5G waves are targeting your frontal lobe so this is really all you need to protect with tin. (Note – take a look in the mirror and increase the size depending on how big your forehead is)
Once you have your tin cut out, go ahead and hot-glue gun those plates directly onto your beanie base. The glue will not affect the reflective qualities of the tin however I do strongly reccomend taking the beanie off of your head before you hit it with hot glue – but you do you.
Now you are ready for the first layer of aluminum foil. You want to be careful that you orient this layer correctly and ensure that you put the “shiny” side in. This will keep your thoughts from escaping to where others can read your mind. Keeping your thoughts secure in your head will honestly make the world a better place. I also like to leave a couple of foil flaps hanging down at the back to cover the neck area – an alloy mullet if you will. I’m not sure if it does anything but it looks super cool.
Up to this point we have been using all non-ferrous (non magnetic) materials. As an extra layer of protection you can wrap a coil of good old-fashioned galvanized fencing wire around the hat now. This layer doesn’t need to fully cover the surface area, just 6 or 8 wraps will sufficiently disrupt any magnetic impulse beams trying to penetrate your deepest and darkest secret thoughts. (Helpful hint – Leave a loop of free wire at the back that you can grab with plyers later to twist and tighten, so that no NWO agents can pull it off of your head)
To hold the wire wrap in place, cover it with the copper tape. Use as much of this as you like, remembering that copper is very conductive so if you are outside during a storm later you may just become a 5 or 6 foot tall lightning rod. Some risks cannot be overcome. In fact, as a functionality test you may wish to actively search out a thunderstorm to stand in. (Note – please video this test and send it to me. Please.)
The final step is what will give your hat its “traditional” tinfoil hat look. Cover the entire assembly with your second layer of aluminum foil. Be sure to put this layer of foil opposite to the first layer, with the “shiny” side out this time – to reflect the mind control rays away from you. Some people like to put the foil into a point on top. This conehead look is very aerodynamic and is also quite dapper – style is style and you want to look as good as you feel. You just never know when you will stumble across the love of your life. Of course, you won’t stumble across anyone while living in your basement so now that you have a stylish and functional protective hat, get out there and meet some people. Just be sure to update your Tinder profile pic.

Seasonal Pillows

I recently had a friend ask if we had “seasonal pillows” in our house. After a brief discussion, I learned that there are people who change out their cushions to match the colours or themes of the seasons and holidays throughout the year. This got me thinking about our humble couch and I realized that we have seasonal pillows as well:

During the summer our pillows are bright and warm, perhaps even starting to fade a little as the sunshine beats through the windows onto them. These cushions are a deep, natural green – and they are covered in dog hair.

During the dark and cold of winter we have pillows that are soft and cozy, lit up by a flicker of orange from the wood stove, the perfect place to sit with a cup of hot cocoa while the snow falls outside. These winter cushions are a warm, comforting green -and they are covered in dog hair.

At Thanksgiving the cushions transform into extra seating for family, with the smell of turkey and stuffing and ham and pie spread throughout the room. The Thanksgiving pillows are an inviting green colour, perfect for visiting with family – and they are covered in dog hair.

At Halloween they transform again, holding up skeletons and witches or perhaps stuffing a costume that needs filling out. They provide a place of rest for little ghosts and goblins to sit and sort candy, happily examining and organizing every piece of the evenings treasure haul. These Halloween cushions are a dark, haunting green – and they are covered in dog hair.

My favourite seasonal pillows however, are the Christmas pillows. These cushions are full of laughter and love as family and friends sit together and catch up on the year that has passed. They often smell of candles and fresh baking. They often smell of Ham and potatoes and butter and bread. They can be covered in crumpled up wrapping paper, or used as a seat on the floor on Christmas morning. They are lit up by the glow of lights from the tree, reds and blues and yellows and greens all twinkling across their surface. Beneath the shimmering lights of the season, these Christmas cushions are a rich, festive green – and they are covered in dog hair.

I love our seasonal pillows.

I See You

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In the darkness, I am watching. I see your face as it relaxes as you let out a soft snore, only to be pulled back in a grimace as the pain rears up again. I watch as you roll from side to side, asleep but not really, searching for a position where your body will be comfortable. I watch as you finally doze off again, lying on my arm this time, your breathing finally settled into a calm, easy rhythm. The tingles as my arm goes numb tells me that I should move but I dare not for fear of interrupting what few moments of peaceful slumber you do get. There it is, perhaps three or four minutes pass this time before your legs decide they need to move. Your brow furrows and your lips pull taught as you shift again, still convinced, or at least hopeful, that a new position will bring comfort. I check the clock; I know you were up long past me, waiting for the exhaustion to finally overpower the pain and allow sleep to come. The nights are not always this bad but when they are I can only lie here and try to not disrupt you. Its nights like this that make it impossible for you to have solid plans on any given day – I know tomorrow morning will not be a pleasant one for you. The pain coupled with the lack of sleep will combine to keep you away from doing many of the things you love. If I, or most people for that matter, have a bad night’s sleep we struggle through the day, complain and maybe joke about it a little before looking forward to the next night. You don’t look forward to the next night however. The quiet and the darkness only mean a lack of distraction so the pain may have the spotlight again; the pain demands it in fact. As I struggle with my own helplessness my thoughts are broken by you releasing another tortured moan. I look over again to see your lips pulled back with agony once more. Your forehead creased in frown as you again shift position, arms and legs stretching, searching for comfort and relief. Your face is so good at smiling all day, the rest of the world oblivious to your struggle, the constant pain, the inability to do many of the tasks that you used to. I often wonder how you do it, how you manage to fight this war daily. Your face has become a master at hiding it all. During this quiet time however, in the middle of the night while the world still sleeps, you let down your guard. The mask is off, there is no more disguise and the battle is real. I see you.