We have four kids; I thought I knew how this world works. The birds and the bees and all that stuff seems pretty standard across the animal kingdom. So when my wife, the dog expert of the house, decided that we should breed our little dog and have a litter of puppies I figured no problem, let’s get to it. This is where I learned the first difference with dog life; we needed to wait until she “went into heat” I was told. Apparently what this means is that we have to wait until nature decides to change our precious little angel into some hormone charged wanton fuzzball of lust. We knew the time was right for Foxie because she stopped listening to anything we told her and started shaking her tail while turning her butt towards any other dog she came near. Honestly this part is not completely unlike some teenage girls. I was caught unprepared to witness such a shameless display of promiscuity. Our little sweetie pie was apparently a real tramp – who knew? Now that the “time was right” for our little canine we had to act fast as this period of readiness does not last that long – thankfully.
As I wanted to help (and my wife knows what a romantic I am) I figured that setting the mood would be my great contribution of expertise. I wondered what’s romantic to a dog however: Candles? They can’t have chocolate, I know that much. I finally settled on dim lighting and a fuzzy blanket. For the first time in my life ( ok maybe second) I wished for a fake fur rug and a fireplace but an old Winnie the Pooh blanket would have to do. At this point I was also told that dogs cant have wine. I’m not really sure how dogs have survived this long to be honest.
We had previously found a potential suitor named “Hugo” that belongs to a friend of ours and had him on alert, and so we made the call. While he still had all of the necessary equipment intact to do the job, our concern was that he had never actually used said equipment. We could only hope that he would figure it out. As the big evening approached it became obvious that my buddy thought of the romance aspect as well as I had because he gave the little stud a bath and had him all brushed and ready for his big date. There wasn’t much we could do about his breath but to be fair I’ve seen our little princess eat poop so we decided she would be ok with it.
With both the dogs and the dog room ready it was time to introduce the suitor to our anxious little girl. We brought him in to our living room to have a brief meet and greet before we would send them down to the basement dog room that I had so carefully set up for love. We weren’t sure how the meeting would go but I imagined some doggie small talk. Maybe he would ask her what her sign is. Hold paws. Get to know one another’s hopes and dreams. Apparently I had wasted a lot of time over thinking this. The timeline was a bit shorter than I figured and went something like this:
7:15 pm “Foxie meet Hugo”
Sniff sniff sniff
7:16pm Foxie turns around and Hugo “mounts up”
RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
No shame at all. Dogs apparently don’t have issues with privacy or common decency. In fact, to emphasize this point, our little princess Foxie looked me right in the eye as little Hugo found out what he had been missing all these years. I sipped my tea and tried to pretend this was normal, and then politely suggested we move them downstairs and leave them alone for awhile.
As us ‘parents’ had a nice visit upstairs I occasionally peeked in on our little lovebirds to see if nature was happening, which it most certainly was. A lot. After returning from one of these creepy little voyeuristic spy missions I learned another interesting fact that I honestly could have lived my life happily without knowing: dogs often get STUCK TOGETHER when they are successful in these endeavors. It’s hard to imagine how life would change if this happened to humans, but I will leave that up to you to ponder.
In the days that followed Foxies big date night we watched closely for any changes in her behaviour. While we didn’t notice any changes in her I couldn’t help but notice the changes in how I treated her: I now found myself dropping my eyes to the floor and avoiding direct contact. She’ll get over it.
Unsure of whether or not we had puppies on the way my wife decided that more date nights were in order. Not only did she organize more date nights, she arranged date afternoons and date mornings. In calls and out, with multiple different suitors. I’m not actually sure if my wife really wants puppies this bad or if she was quietly living vicariously through our dog. Either way she was thorough.
At the time of this writing we still don’t know if we have puppies on the way or not but I will be sure to keep all of you posted. My biggest concern now is poor Hugos feelings. I can only imagine how used he must feel – she hasn’t even texted him.